Chocolate and Cuckoo Clocks by Alan Coren

Author:Alan Coren
Language: eng
Format: epub
Tags: HUM003000, HUM000000, LCO010000
ISBN: 9781921834424
Publisher: The Text Publishing Company
Published: 2009-08-02T16:00:00+00:00

Appendix

The Bulletins of Idi Amin

32

All O’ De People, All De Time

‘General Amin is to sell off the two thousand motor cars left behind by exiled Ugandan Asians.’

Daily Telegraph

Good morning, I see you is lookin’ at de famous Humber Super Snipe 1959 what only done 2,000 miles, all that on gravel drive by dis ole lady what is using it fo’ going down to de gate to git de milk, a bargain at fifteen hunnerd poun’, also you helpin’ de economy no end. What you lookin’ at there, boy?

It lookin’ like de treacherous rust to me.

Yeah, well you is an ignorant bugger, you go on like dat you is li’ble to wine up wid a spanner in de head, de price jus’ went up to eighteen hunnerd an’ fifty. What you got to say to that, boy?

Dis brown coachwork is damn elegant. What de fuel consummertion like?

Gittin’ aroun’ two hunnerd mile per gallon, cheapest fuel. Dis car designed to run on anything. Conk out in de middle of nowhere, jus’ piss in de tank, you is good for another fifty mile. Also note de fine upholstery.

Hum. It all depending whether you a fan of de plastic. Pussonally, I find it stick to de bum, but . . .

Look, it my normal opinion de customer is always right, but that don’t mean I ain’t gonna git a coupla colonels down here to walk about on your face if you give me any more of this kinda lip. You is looking at genuine pigskin there, boy. It bin treated to look like plastic on account of dis car bin built for gennelmen who ain’t in the habit of bein’ flash and goin’ on about de three-piece suite. Dis also account for de lack of windows, what gets specially knocked out at de factory. Look at cheap cars, fust thing you notice is they all got windows.

Ain’t no carpet on de floors.

Yeah, well you prob’ly noticing where there ain’t no dining table neither, with lace cloff and wine bucket. This is on account of you ain’t lookin’ at a whorehouse parlour, son; it got a wheel on each corner, and we calls it a car. Take no notice of de price-tag, we knockin’ dis one out at two grand, special offer, including free dog.

Can I have a run roun’ de block?

Sure you can, it a free country, boy, you run where you likes, I ain’t promisin’ de car gonna be here when you gits back, this here automobile is a hot bargain at twennyfive hunnerd, no cheques.

Hum. What kind of guarantee you givin’?

Normal guarantee. Anything you find you don’t like about dis top-class car, jus’ give us a ring and we’ll come roun’ and kick your teef in. Where de money?

Hold on here, I don’t have to buy it.

True, son, true. Don’t have to spend de nex’ ten years gittin’ about on crutches, neither. Remember, you is doin’ dis for de good of your country.

You sure about that?

Lissen, boy, would I lie to you?

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